My Last Days With Dad

I must've told this story twenty times already, so I thought I would just write it down so I won't forget. It's been just over three months. It's time.

It was Friday, November 1, 2019. Fridays are my normal days off from work. Mom kept telling me that Dad wasn't doing so well and he probably didn't have much longer, but it seemed like every time I would go over and visit, he was always awake, very conversational and sometime even eating. I told Emily that I was heading over to see Dad. She told me that she wanted to go too.

We arrived at Dad's in the mid-afternoon. Mom let us in. Dad was sitting on the couch slightly hunched over near the printer in the Mom's office. He was awake watching TV with his eyes closed resting. As soon as we came in, he perked up sitting a little more upright opening his eyes to greet us. He said he was doing okay, just tired like always. Mom told us that he wasn't really eating anymore.

We talked and I gave him a shave to get him a little cleaned up. He asked me if I was still working on that BMW car in my garage. I told him that I had made little progress over the past couple of years, but I was planning on resuming the build this upcoming year. He asked Emily if she was working on any tour package planning like she had for our Thailand/Vietnam trip. He was very lucid and cognizant as his demise had never affected his mental capacity.

Then the doorbell rang. It was Jennifer. She seemed surprised to see me. She told me that the nurse came over to see Dad that morning. Since Dad hasn't been really eating food for the past couple of days, the nurse recognized that the end was coming soon. Dad tried to eat food the night before, but he couldn't keep the food down. After having a conversation with the doctor, she Mom that Dad was to discontinue taking all medications, because he was not metabolizing the medication anyway. Jen had already called Charlene asking if she would be able to come up to the Bay Area to see Dad. Charlene said that she would not be able to make it.

It was nearing dinner time and Dad seemed very tired. Emily and I decided to leave, probably to return again on Sunday. Jen decided to stay a little bit longer to help Mom get Dad into bed, since he was so tired and wasn't interested in eating dinner. Emily and I said good-bye for the night and told him we'd be back another day. Later that night, I told Emily that since Dad was taken off his meds, I figured that he would be gone within a couple of weeks, as his body would be systematically shutting down. I went to bed around 10:30pm, since I volunteered to work a 12-hour shift the next day starting at 8am.

4:09am my cell phone rings. I always keep the cell phone charging on my night stand near my head every night when I sleep for moments like this. It was Mom. She was trying to speak but she was sobbing. She told me that she thinks that Dad had stopped breathing and she asked me to come over right away. The phone call woke Emily up. I told her what was going on. We both got up and got ready to head out. We left Cookie at home alone, since we weren't sure exactly what to expect and we didn't want the dog to cause any more stress and commotion.

We got to the house around 5:00am. Mom answered the door and was solemn, tears in her eyes. We both hugged her, then she walked us into the bedroom. Dad was laying diagonally on the bed, his legs dangling off the side. Mom explained that he was so uncomfortable that night after going to bed that he kept on wanting to sit up on the side of the bed, only to want to lay down again shortly after. After a few times, he was just too weak to sit up, so Mom just tried to put him in a comfortable position. Sometime after that, since Dad was so quiet, Mom realized that Dad had stopped breathing. Right after that, the nurse arrived. (As we were driving up to Mom's house, we were actually following the nurse in her car, but we didn't know it. She was driving slow and uncertain of where to go.) A few minutes later, Jennifer arrived. The nurse made a phone call and made the call official. She explained to us what was going to happen next and how to proceed.

Mom made a phone call to Charlene to update her. She didn't answer her phone. So Mom called Brent's phone next. He answered and gave the phone to Chal. She said she would fly up asap. We decided not to call the Neptune Society for a while, that way Charlene would have a chance to say her good-byes to Dad, before they took him. I made some breakfast for everyone- some eggs and hash browns. Mom called Emily over to help her out with the computer- she wanted her to help delete Dad's gmail email account. Emily asked, "So soon?" Mom was obviously not in a stable state of mind. Emily convinced her to wait on it for a little while- perhaps there were important contacts that Mom would need to get, etc.

Charlene flew into OAK and arrived around 12:30p. Jen suggested that she just Uber over, but I wanted to pick her up.

After Chal had a chance to say good-bye to Dad, Mom called the Neptune Society. It didn't take long for them to get there. Mom made a request for them to change his clothes before the cremation and supplied them with something to change him into. Mom, Emily and Jen waited in the dining room while I stayed in the bedroom to make sure that they treated Dad with respect. The two workers had tattoos and looked a little gangsta, but they were dressed appropriately and were very professional. I was satisfied with the job they did.

Emily and I hung around for a bit longer, then we had to leave and tend to Cookie. From home I spoke with Jennifer and asked her what's going on with Chal's family- were they going to come up and pay their respects and show support for Mom? Jen said no. I was a little bit stunned. I told Jen that she needed to talk with Chal and tell her that they boys really needed to come up. She told me that she wasn't going to do it, that she was sick of dealing with Charlene. So I had to matters into my own hands.

The next morning (Sunday) I spoke with Chal on the phone. She told me that she had a discussion with Mom about Brent and the boys coming up to the Bay Area. Since Chal's entire family was going to spend the Thanksgiving weekend up here anyway, Mom told her that they didn't have to make the trip up just yet, that they could just wait till later to be with the family. Charlene told me that she wanted to "honor Mom's wishes" and just do as she asked. I pretty much went off on her without yelling at her. I reminded her that Mom wasn't exactly thinking clearly and told her about her wanting to delete Dad's email account. Charlene started crying falling back on her excuse of wanting to do what Mom asked. I told her that I don't often give her these talks, but in this case, I felt it was my duty to take on my Big Brother role, since Jen didn't want to do it. I told her that I thought it was a BIG mistake for her family to not come up now, that they would be deprived of the only opportunity to say good-bye to Dad, and it's not everyday that your father dies, that you won't get a do-over on this one. I told her that some day in the future, her boys might ask her when they're in their 20's or 30's why they weren't able to say good-bye to their Goong-goong. And in turn, they resent her for it. So don't rob them of this moment. She sobbed and said that she appreciated the talk, but she was going to still do what Mom said. I told her that she really needs to consider what I'm telling her. I told her not to make this mistake then we ended the call.

Four hours later, Charlene texted me and told me that Brent and the boys would be driving up on Saturday. She thanked me for the earlier call and told me that I was right.


Since everyone was all together, I wanted to have a dinner at our house. I also felt that Charlene's family was willing to change their minds, so it would be nice to do something for them to show my appreciation. Emily let me. Mom volunteered to buy everything we needed to pull it off, since we were hosting. We bought paper plates, plastic utensils and red cups to make cleanup easier. A couple of days before the event, I smoked a pork shoulder. The plan was we were going to set up a taco bar and everyone could make their own eatings just the way they liked it. Since Mom isn't a big Mexican food fan, I prepared grilled halibut for her. We fired up the fire pit and we drank (even Chal drank a little) and ate appetizers- smoked cheese, salami and crackers. The taco bar was a hit! Even Mom made a taco! There was extra grilled halibut, so others ate fish tacos too. Everybody loved my secret sauce! The boys played Nintendo Switch games on the big screen and we all drank around the fire pit for a while, until it was time to make s'mores. It was really nice to enjoy our backyard the way I had always intended for it to be used. Everyone had a great time. Dad would have loved it! Charlene and Brent even thanked us for the great dinner. We all felt closer to each other.